Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: It's not a watch-it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worse course I've played on."
Caddy: " This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "This isn't my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
"Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies."
Will Rogers
Thanks for sending your favorites to share with fellow golfers.
Golf instructors insist on golfers keeping their heads down or watching the ball. Phyllis Diller said,"It's because they don't want us to see them laughing at us."
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at an earlier age.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as long as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
Updated on: October 13, 2004
Three avid golfers, come upon a foursome taking so long to play, their patience is stretched.
The greenkeeper shows up and one says, "Let's ask the greenkeeper about this slow foursome." The greenskeeper relates how they were the firemen who saved the clubhouse last year from a fire.
However, they lost their sight doing so and are now entitled to play any time they choose.
A doctor in the impatient group says, "I''ll have an opthamologist friend see what he can do for them."
The impatient priest says, " I will pray for them."
The professional golfer in the impatient group says, "Why can't they play at night?"
Heard this story from a couple of Homer golfers. This is a true story! A golfer known for having fits and throwing clubs on the course was trying out a new putter in the Pro Shop. His golfing buddy said, "Why don't you take the putter outside and throw it around to see how you like it?"Thanks Jeff and Ken.
Golf Kenai E-News
Golf Funeral
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
> Threesome on the Green
>
> Moses and Jesus were in a threesome
> playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to
> the tee and drove a long one. The ball
> landed in the fairway, but rolled directly
> toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses
> raised his club, the water parted and it
> rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
>
> Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit
> a nice long one directly toward the same
> water hazard. It landed right in the center
> of the pond and kind of hovered over the
> water. Jesus casually walked out on the
> pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
>
> The third guy got up and randomly whacked
> the ball. It headed out over the fence and
> into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It
> bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree.
> From there, it bounced onto the roof of a
> shack close by and rolled down into the
> gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the
> fairway and straight toward the afore
> mentioned pond. On the way to the pond,
> the ball hit a stone and bounced out over
> the water onto a lily pad, where it rested
> quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog
> jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the
> ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle
> swooped down and grabbed the frog and
> flew away. As they passed over the green,
> the frog squealed with fright and dropped
> the ball, which bounced right into the cup
> for a hole in one.
>
> Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate
> playing with your Dad."
A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?" The friend replied,
"It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing
golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"
- - - - - - -
A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name
is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."
- - - - - - - - -
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the
priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church
when we pray, we keep our head down."
- - - - - -
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes," says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and
puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a
five."
Golf
In my hand I hold a ball....white and dimpled, rather small....
Oh , how bland it does appear.... this harmless looking little sphere...
By its size I could not guess.... the awesome strength it does possess..
But since I fell beneath its spell.... I've wandered through the fires of hell....
My life has not been quite the same.... Since I chose to play this stupid game....
It rules my mind for hours on end... A fortune it has made me spend....
It has made me swear and yell and cry.... I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called par.... If I can hit straight and far....
To master such a tiny ball.... should not be very hard at all ..
But my desires the ball refuses.... and does exactly like it chooses....
It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies.... and even disappears before my eyes....
Often it will take a whim.... to hit a tree or take a swim...
With miles of grass on which to land.... it finds a tiny patch of sand..
Then has me offering up my soul.... if only it would find the hole....
It's made me whimper like a pup.... and swear that I will give it up....
And take a drink to ease my sorrow.... but the ball knows..... I'll be back tomorrow!!!!
New Clubssounds just like those addicted golfers
1st Golfer: "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife." 2nd Golfer: "Great trade!"
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
